Mcninch

Are you in a loveless marriage? Has the thrill gone out of it? Sex once a month if you're lucky?

If you live in a small community, cheating is often more of a risk than it's worth with neighborhood gossips on the prowl.

In the UK there is a burgeoning internet business that focuses on putting married people in touch with one another for discreet affairs.

A number of these services go out of their way to ensure the comfort levels of clients who don't want their extramarital affairs to interfere with the routine of family life. Some even offer tips on how best to avoid being caught and provide counseling on how to handle emotional fall-out such as guilt. Stress is laid on confidentiality, and there is an undertaking to safeguard clients' identities. Often sexual partners meet and make-out while using pseudonyms. That could get a little weird. Saying her name at the crucial moment wouldn't have the same resonance.

Services that help the married with discreet encounters are becoming quite popular in the UK. Not all of these clients are cheaters, some have the permission of their spouse. There are many people trapped in loveless marriages with partners who aren't putting out. This can effect personal worth and self-esteem. In one story I reviewed, a spouse came second to her hubby's porno habit . Just to rub it in, he would occasionally compare her unfavorably to the lookers on the web. She stayed in the marriage for the sake of her kids. When she finally worked up the courage to date someone she met through an online service, it gave a huge boost to her flagging sense of worth.

Of course the morality squad and some psychologists will counter that this is self-destructive behavior in the end because it is based on deception and doesn't address the underlying problem. Yeah, yeah ... well nothing in this world is perfect and not everyone is a hero. Some people believe that busting up a marriage and creating distress and anger throughout the extended family is too high a price to pay for a bit of hanky panky on the side.

In the case of a woman whose self worth has hit rock bottom in a lousy marriage, discreet encounters of a sexual kind may help her to better handle the negatives in her life. There are many testimonials from women who have used these services that claim just that. There are also casualties of course. Most often those who brought love and personal attachment into a sexual affair that by definition, could only be transient.

Provided a person isn't devoutly religious or strictly moral, the decision to step outside a bad marriage involves weighing the pros and cons carefully. The cons in the United States may well involve anti-adultery laws that are still on the books in some states. So possible legal complications need to be considered also.

These services work well for some people but not for others. Users should know what their tolerances are, in order to avoid getting in over their head. A person who is sensitive and easily hurt would likely complicate their emotional life enormously by sleeping around in this clandestine fashion. On the other hand, some people can carry it off in grand style.

This trend in the UK gives a public and commercial dimension to an infidelity game that has long been a part of European society. Former French President Francois Mitterrand for example, was a notorious philanderer.

N. Americans tends to be more uptight about infidelity, compared to Europeans who traditionally have had a somewhat laissez faire attitude when it comes to sexual escapades. The honesty issue is hammered home by some TV psychologists in the states in a manner that often comes across as unrealistic. It's more about them coming off as wholesome and professional in the eyes of middle America in order to sell books, than it is about reality and the way people really are. If you went around being honest and baring your issues in the manner these "experts" advocate, people would think you are unhinged. We all lie on a fairly regular basis. Studies confirm this. Lies go all the way from alibis-of-convenience to the simple "dinner's on the stove" excuse to extricate yourself from a windbag on the phone who won't quit. To be human is to lie, even though most people are fundamentally truthful about core values and beliefs. In other words the things that really matter.

The advice offered by psychologists invariably involves counseling. But in the case of many damaged marriages no amount of counseling can rekindle the flame. The partners often give up and settle for living their separate lives together, without any genuine intimacy. It is unreasonable to expect a person trapped in a sexless marriage to put sexual needs on hold. It is also unreasonable to expect a spouse to break up his or her world in order to get those needs met. Adult sites and online dating services that offer safe ways to meet others of like mind, may be the way to go for some people. Obviously not all of these online services will be equally credible and care should be taken to check out their track record.

It is legitimate to argue that the refusal of intimacy is potentially damaging to the health and well being of the rejected partner. Fact is, sex is good for you. Provided it's safe and legal it should be a source pleasure and empowerment. It has a therapeutic aspect that is often overlooked. According to some medical opinion a healthy sex life boosts the immune system, increases blood flow, lowers cholesterol, promotes prostate and genital health, boosts testosterone and estrogen counts, improves sleep and relaxation ... and even according to some ... is a life extension factor.

Dating services offer interpersonal connections, unlike pornography which is in high demand these days. There are some 40 million users in the US annually. Porn revenue for 2005 topped 12 billion, exceeding the profits of pro baseball, basketball and football franchises combined. Despite its popularity, a sex life that makes masturbation the primary outlet is rather sad and in the end, isolating. Real sex of the therapeutic type involves a polarity between partners - the give-and-take of love, emotion and all the other human energies that help to make us whole people. At root the healing power of sex is about intimacy and sharing.

An article in the British Guardian newspaper, offers a selection of stories from those who have used these online agencies for extramarital affairs. Here are a couple of comments from a 41 year old married female named Eve, who claims she and her husband have "a brilliant relationship ... it's great ... everywhere apart from the bedroom". She and her husband have four children, aged two to 15. And they do have sex, just at six-month intervals. Eve says - "that doesn't do it for me".

Her verdict after trying the online meeting option ... "so far it's worked out well for me. It's saved my marriage. It's meant that the level of stress at home has gone. It has decreased my frustration."

This comment from Tom ... "Most people reading this will think I'm a shit, but actually it's enabled me to be a better person, father and husband."

There should be different prescriptions for different people with different needs. Our society is now much more open and diverse. Options exist for people today that nobody could have conceived of a few decades ago.

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